Toni's Mid-Life Crisis

Ramblings of this Mind...

2010-04-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

Life is so darn busy. Today I am just going to jot down a few random thoughts that are racing around in my head...

Bob is working this week. He works seven ten hour days in a row. That alone is a doozy. Then, in theory, he would have seven days off. But in our case, he must work overtime to make ends meet. So then on his "OFF" week he will usually pick up anywhere from 8-24 hours. Sometimes this is tiring for me, so I can't even begin to imagine how he feels...But like a good husband and father, he just keeps on keeping on. No complaints. Gotta love him.

I will be starting training for a part time temporary position with the Census Bureau in just a couple of weeks. This, in addition to my regular job at "You're Special Hair Salon", and Friday mornings at Cedar Grove Gardens. Somewhere, I need to squeeze in time to enjoy the kids, get housework done, nurture a relationship with my hubby, and just relax. Crazy? Yes. Possible? Absolutely!

On Monday I have the awesome opportunity to attend a work education day in Green Bay at the Ramada. I am going with Pam and Lois, two co-workers, who are fossils in the field of hair styling, just like myself. And all three of us are truly blessed with the gift of imagination, precision, and small talk! That is how we have stayed successful in our business for 29 years +! The morning class is an up-do class in celebration of the upcoming prom season. The afternoon will be spent learning new trends in cutting. I am truly excited to spend my Monday learning with two great friends and stylists!

This past month, ending with next week, I have been on jury duty. I have not been called to serve, as all but one trial was settled out of court. And I was not on the list of "preferred" jurors that needed to report for the case that would go to trial. Not too difficult for a month's worth of community service!

Last Wednesday I was able to attend our Parent Grow Bible Study at Open Door Bible Church in Port Washington. Amazing! Our topic for the night was about handling discipline without judgment and condemnation. I always come away from this study with either some new ideas, and/or a new way of thinking about everyday situations. Thank you Seth for teaching, sharing and laughing with us!

Just a quick update on my family:

- Noel has been practicing her driving. At this point I am looking forward to the day she has her license. She is attentive and careful at the wheel. Also, she has been making some beaded bracelets called Kandy. I love to see her spend her down time doing something creative. Tonight she made tacos for supper for the family. My thrifty daughter also found a dress for prom for just $21 at Boston Store! Yay Noel! Special thanks to Char Grover for having the fortitude to chauffeur the girls around, and the patience to help them choose!

- Christian is loving this wonderful spring weather. He is busy riding his bike, working at the de Master farm, and attending a tractor driving class at LTC on Saturdays. He is a bundle of energy, and his voice is now lower than his dads. The kid can always make me laugh. Always. Even when I don't want to. Funny boy!

- Michael is waiting to come home from Iraq. I will be sending about 15 phone cards his way in a few days thanks to our Cookie Lee Jewelry Lady, Kathy, who donated her profits for the months of November and December to provide encouragement for our troops. The first month she donated $100, and I was able to purchase 20 movies for Michael to distribute to his cohorts for Christmas entertainment. People are amazingly considerate and helpful when it comes to our military. Thanks Kathy Balge! If you would like to take a peek at this great jewelry visit http://www.cookielee.com/home.aspx

- Bob has a meeting with his counselor at MATC to continue his Respiratory Therapy classes. Due to a lack of funds, he took the last semester off. But we are back on track, and he is eager to get going. I applaud him for his tireless efforts! I also applaud me for my tireless efforts.

I have been blessed these past two months to watch my grandson grow and change. He is adorable. Just thinking of him makes me smile! My heart wants to burst with the wonder of it all. The only thing that could make this experience better would be to have Michael home.

So that is all for now. Nothing too inspirational. Just a few ramblings from my computer to yours.

In closing, I will quote my daughter Noel:

Live Life. Love God.

The Teen Trials...

2010-03-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am officially a Grandma! My cup overflows! I cannot do justice to the emotions that course through my heart when I look at that little guy! I am truly in love!

But first I am a mom. Being a mom is an exceptional, yet common job! It is a blessing, and usually a joy! And sometimes it is a....curse! Maybe I am being a bit of a drama queen,but the last few days at home with teenagers....Arghhhh. I am frustrated, hurt, annoyed, and disgusted. With myself. With them. With life.

My teens have not done any one thing that would make me run this gamut of emotions. The have aroused this motherly reaction by the mere rolling of eyes, blank stares, and general lack of cooperation. At the best I am exhausted. At the worst, I would like to slay someone...maybe with words, maybe not.

Bob and I have put a great deal of genuinely dedicated effort into our child rearing. We worked opposite shifts, we disciplined fairly, we taxied them around, and we had fun with each of our kiddos. I am sure that this same story has been shared by many. We are not alone in our endeavor. I see it all around me...In my neighborhood, at our school, in our church home. I see parents who care, who work hard, who would give anything for their children to have a good life!

There are days with teenagers when I wonder what we have done wrong. I never thought MY kids would grow into these creatures called teenagers. I never thought I would be an exasperated parent. But then I take a deep breath and roll MY eyes! It occurs to me that this is the nature of the beast!

Teenagers are meant to be a bit rebellious. They are meant to detach a bit. They are designed to question "authority". This is their job, and might I say that they are doing it well! My job? To keep on doing what I do best...discipline with endurance and commitment, reinforce good behavior, and basically love my teens with all my heart. I take comfort in the "normalness" of these life changes...

This whole parent/teen relationship makes me think of my behavior toward my Savior. It gives me insight into how my Creator feels when I don't acknowledge his wisdom, strength and grace or when I roll my eyes at his discipline. He is disappointed in me, but still goes right ahead and dies for my sins. Unbelievable? Yes! True? Yes!

I guess I will take a hint and go give my kids a smile and a hug. It is the least I can do....I am blessed with happy, healthy teenagers. Even with all the raging hormones (theirs AND mine) I am pretty sure we will remain a family intact!

Proverbs 17:6

Children's children are a crown to the aged,
and parents are the pride of their children.

Proverbs 2:1-6<

My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.

The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. ~Quentin Crisp

Little children, headache; big children, heartache. ~Italian Proverb

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other. ~Laurence J. Peter

Don't laugh at a youth for his affectations; he is only trying on one face after another to find a face of his own. ~Logan Pearsall Smith, "Age and Death," Afterthoughts, 1931
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Amazingness!

2010-03-18T20:50:00.000-07:00
Life is full of amazingness! Just look around and you will see it everywhere! Check out the little buds on the trees. Take a peek at the little green tips of tulips popping out of the ground. Listen to the birds sing in the quiet of the morning. Breath the air. Come on...take a big gulp! That amazingness is spring!

I find as I get older that spring holds so much hope....for me, for nature, for the world! Everything feels new and fresh again. Even cleaning the load of winter dog poop from the yard carries some promise....

I think it becomes clearer with age just how blessed I really am, how blessed we are. The little surprises of spring remind me to take a moment to choose to be happy! I have lived long to enough to experience some pretty desperate and traumatic life events. At times crawling under the protection of the bed covers seemed the only way to deal. But this fresh spring air brings with it a good dose of delight!

There is purpose in every event in our lives. Of that I am very sure. And I have come far enough down this road of life, that I can truly be thankful for the painful tragedies and disorderly disasters. They make today seem so much sweeter!

I must admit that there is one other little thing that has been affecting my attitude lately. My little grandson, Levi Robert, was born into this world very early the morning of February 19, 2010. Words fail me when it comes to describing this particular joy. Watching this little life emerge into our world is a blessing that I will always remember with elation. Make no mistake. Birth, life, is a miracle. Just thinking of this magical moment takes my breath away a little...Thank you Michael and Kayla for so generously sharing this life changing event with me!

Some other recent joys that come to mind...

- A day of shopping with my daughter, my personal fashionista. Noel took me to the fitting room, and insisted on making me the VIP for the day. Her perseverance in finding something fashionable paid off. I can't remember that last time I felt so important! Or so pretty! Thank you Noel!

- Christian and his most recent "find"! This time it was a very old and well used bicycle built for two. And who do you think he requested to share his "ride" with? Why me! Who woulda thought? I climbed on the back of that darn thing, my knees hit the handle bars, and away we went! Laughing all the way! Thank you Christian!

- A recent lunch date with my sister Rena. Her little guy, Lucas, is a real cutie pie. He is 18 months old and as busy as they come! But he always has a smile on his adorable little face! A visit with my sister and her son warms my heart, and makes me smile! Keep your momma on her 46 year old feet Luke!

- A relationship discovery! I am now married to a Grandpa! And that wonderful man no longer looks like ZZ Top! After many months of growing out his beard to a long and somewhat undignified nest (I really do believe there were a few creatures living in there) Bob finally showed me the face that I love! No more scary kisses! My Bob is back!

- Baby celebration! So many people have helped to induct me into the halls of Grandmahood! Thanks to everyone who shared the joy with me!

So let me just close by saying "THANK YOU JESUS"! Without Your love, none of these joyous occurrences would have been possible. With Your love, it is all so much sweeter! Keep the blessings coming! For you are the giver of all good things! And I trust that your plan is the best one!
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

In Anticipation of Baby Boy Schommer

2010-02-17T15:47:00.000-08:00
My heart is beating with hard irregular beats. I am agitated during the day, and not getting good sleep at night. I can't seem to keep my focus on anything. This sounds to me like a dreaded terminal illness. In reality, it is just a case of anxiety and excitement over the birth of my first grandchild.

I can tell already that being a grandma is whole new territory. I am enthusiastic to the point of absurdity. I can't wait to meet this new addition to our family, can't wait to hold him, can't wait to feel the warmth of his little body. This boy is loved with a passion even before his worldly appearance. My expectations are dreamlike!

Now you can also consider the fact that my son, the baby's Daddy, is home on American soil. He has been on deployment in Iraq for six months, and will return to Camp Taji on March 1, 2010 to finish up his year. The contentment of having him home is beyond description! There is much satisfaction in watching my two sons wrestle, or witnessing actual warmth and communication between my soldier-son and my daughter. Sibling harmony is amazing when it actually happens! Not to mention how it warms this mother's heart!

More importantly, I am also taking enormous delight in watching my son and his wife be together. I love to see them touch, smile and even bicker with one another. It brings a normalcy to this situation that gives me great comfort. Young love is a joy to behold, and I am drinking it in like a parched soul.

I am blessed to be the recipient of such exhilaration and satisfaction. My cup overflows. I can hardly wait for the surprises that the future holds! Thank you God! I love you!

I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

How Much Do I Love....?

2010-02-05T10:24:00.000-08:00
How much do I love....???? I can finish that sentence in so many ways...How much do I love my husband? Tons. How much do I love my kids? They are my life. How much do I love my work? It's great!

So there. I have answered the easy questions. Ask yourself those same questions, and I would be willing to bet that most of us, under good conditions, would answer in a similar respect. And we should love those things. We have chosen most of the main paths our life has taken. If you don't have positive answers, then maybe it is time for some detailed mental examination of your own feelings, thoughts, and motives and some serious change.

Here is a question that I find a bit more difficult to answer. How much do I love God? On first introspection, I would have to say that He is everything to me. He is my Creator, my Redeemer, the Mover and Shaker of my life. He is my personal spiritual guide. He is the Giver of All Good Things. He is the Door to eternity. He is my Light of the world. He is the great I AM. He is my Shepherd...

Whoa! Wait a minute! I was thinking about how much I love God. But it seems like all my answers point instead to a different query: "How much does God love me?" We are blessed. For God's love for us is unceasing, unchanging, constant. There is no better love, there is no better place to be accepted as you are, than in God's presence.

So back to the question of my love for HIM? I do love him. But really, how can I love him enough? I try to do nice things, I work at raising my children well, I try to love others, I pray daily. But this all sounds so lame, doesn't it? My meager offerings to Him are embarrassing at best, shamefully sinful and half-hearted most of the time. And sometimes, in anger or disappointment, I even forget to honor Him. How much do I love God? The best that I can, and surely, not enough.

So here is some food for thought. While the love I give to Him can never be abundant and generous enough, He loves me enough for both of us. God is the great lover of ALL his children. He loves you too, no matter what. Why else would he have sent his only Son to pay the price for your sins, and mine? Now THAT is great love. It is hard to comprehend, but it is true. Through Him, with Him and in Him,our sin is cleaned and our love is pure.

So with Valentines day right around the corner, I am going to concentrate on how I can pass on the love that God has shared with me. I should be joyful in His love. I know he wants me to share His good news. Just think how a kind word or gesture done in His name can brighten a friends day. Or better yet, why not really rise to the challenge, and brighten the day of someone that is not well-loved by others. That is a true test.

Below are a few of His thoughts on love. Real love. Love that is extraordinary and priceless. Love that gives value to our time here on earth. The challenge for me is to look at Valentine's Day as a unique opportunity to "love one another". I challenge you, also, to put a new spin on the day that celebrates love...

Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

1 Peter 3:8
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature ; rather, serve one another in love.

John 13:34
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Hairstylist....More than just a career?

2010-01-24T06:25:00.000-08:00
I love my work. I really do. And I love where I work... "You're Special Hair Salon" Doesn't that just about say it all? I love the drama, the fun, the support of other women, the clients, the creativity, and the service of the work. All in all, I am a satisfied working woman.

Having said that, I must admit that being a hair stylist is something that I have always struggled with as far as the "importance" of the work. I have always felt a desire to make a difference, here and now, in this world. I actually have felt called to do something BIGGER. I have never really been quite sure what that important thing would be, but I have spent some years being sort of passively on the lookout for my life's work. Hmmmm....I am now 48 years old, and you would think that by now I would have found the answer. Or maybe the answer has been right in my very own hands, so to speak...

Well, here is my little piece of enlightenment for the day...I have come, over the years, to view my work as a vocation. And, in fact, all work is a vocation, and has a place in the whole big scheme of things. Each of us, no matter how menial or insignificant our "work" looks to be on the outside, is an essential player in the way the world works.

Here are some thoughts on the work that I currently do. These thoughts are, indeed, proof that I have matured into the the idea that this world is not as black and white as I once thought, and that making a living involves much more than doing a job for money!

My main concern at my job used to be that I could technically do the work correctly. And that is great. It is still a goal that I aim for. And to be honest, over the years, that part has become more reflex and repetition. The cuts and chemical services I do are usually technically great! But now I see, that for some individuals, their time with their stylist is more than a physical change...it is actually a time of relaxation, a time of therapy, a time of renewal. In some cases is may be the only place that that person is treated with respect and care in their day. When I had this bright light moment, it put my work into a different realm. I think that the impact that I can have on the people around me by my daily prayer, my attitude of caring, and just putting forth a listening ear can truly change another's day. And this is where I see my work as more that just giving the "every six week color and cut".

And now I am gonna let you in on the biggest secret....My clients give these same things back to me...A hug, a smile, a word of encouragement, a prayer, their life wisdom...The list goes on and on. I love my clients. They are friends to me in the biggest sense of that word!

My work has become a blessing to me, and hopefully to others. Through God's word this work that I do has become a whole new proposition over the last 29 years. (Wow! 29 years! REALLY? Am I truly that old?) And what can I say? My clients and friends feed my soul with each moment that I get to spend with them.

I find it amazing how every little crevice in my life has purpose. Sometimes that fact is intimidating, but mostly it is reassuring. God WANTS me to take joy in my work! God wants me to use the skills and talents he has given me to bless the lives of others. This plan, the one that I am living, is HIS plan. So is yours. How blessed are we?????

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

The Gift of Giving

2009-12-25T07:36:00.000-08:00
For many reasons, the season of giving has made me reflect upon my own gifting choices. All the normal questions have popped up: what does the reciever want, what does the reciever need, what can I afford???? We all go through theses decisions when we are in the midst of the gift giving process.

A few years ago, I made the committment to be a hairstylist on Fridays at two local assisted living facilities; Cedar Grove Gardens I, and Belgium Gardens. Please do not make any assumptions as to the generosity of this choice. I want you to know that this is a job. I recieve financial compensation for each head of hair that I do. And yet, some days I feel pretty generous because it is a very physical job that takes a huge reserve of patience and kindness. When I am done with my Fridays at the Gardens, I am exhausted! I have given it my all!

This year part of my gift giving dilemna centered around my elderly friends. This is a difficult choice, as these ladies live in one room, and really don't have the space for or need another thing.

I love these ladies. I love their spunk, wisdom, and, yes, even their sometime disgust at still living here on earth. I really wanted to do something for them that would make a difference in their lives. Tough assignment, when many are broaching or boasting 90 years, more or less.

I decdided to give each of them a fancy discloth that I had knit myself. These dandy little circles are pretty, and many use them as doilies. So I gathered up my wares of many colors and headed for the Gardens.

As I completed each woman's hair, I offered her the choice of one of my humble, and what I thought might be silly, gifts. And much to my surprise, each woman was excited to take her pick. "You made this for ME?" "You made this yourself?" "Oh, how pretty!!"

And from each and every woman, I received an unexpected gift...a hug and a smile!

This process of gift giving started out being about me...what I could give, what I could share, what I thought would be useful, how could I change their day? But, my oh my, I learned a huge lesson at the Gardens this Christmas Eve Day. I gave of myself, and they gave back. I had no idea that something so simple would be an event that brightened my elderly friends hearts, and was returned to me in a bigger and better way! I had been outdone! I felt so blessed It is not often that I have seen the joy of amazement and surprise in the eyes of an adult gift recipient. My heart was and is FULL. And many times that day I felt my eyes brimming with tears of joy.

I can't help but reflect upon the life of my mother who passed away a year ago this December. She, too, lived at Belgium Gardens for the last year of her life. She was a difficult woman as she grew older. She was angry, depressed and childish. She was not fun to be around. She was the butt of many family disappointments and arguments. It has taken me the better part of 2009 to actually miss her. (I am ashamed of this, although it is the truth.) But as this year has gone by, some of the good memories have been revived and the sadness of the later years of her life has begun to fade. Many people gave of themselves to my mom, when my sister and I were struggling with that ability. I am so happy I can return that favor today to my friends at the Gardens.

I truly believe that we have been put here to love one another. That is not always an easy job. But never underestimate the power of a kind word, a hug, or even just a listening ear. I have had the joy of receiving each of these things in a time of need. God loves it when we love each other!

Let me close by saying that the best gift of all is Jesus Christ our saviour. He was born to be the King of kings, and Lord of lords. He came here to die for us, to take our sins. God made flesh. We are a blessed people. Turn to him. He wants you.

Merry Christmas to all! And God bless you everyone!

I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

So Sorry

2009-12-09T16:51:00.000-08:00
I have not been a faithful blogger lately. I have been unable to find the inspiration to write about something meaningful. I have felt limp and incapable. And there has been another hurdle. I upset someone dear to me with the my written words. I am still really not quite clear on what upset her so much, but after some serious consideration, and encouragement from like-minded friends, I have decided to continue to share my thoughts on whatever crosses my mind.

So lately I have been thinking about how God uses our weaknesses to His benefit. I am surely a weak woman. I am a sinner, an outlaw to Gods rules. I often disappoint myself, my family and friends. I can only imagine how saddened Christ is by my actions, and/or my failure to act. I am not saying these things so someone can praise my efforts and make me feel better. I am saying them because they are true. As a christian woman, I am fully aware of my shortcomings. And believe me, they are many. But here is the thing....God knows how to take those inadequacies and faults and turn them into tools. He has made and redeemed me, and only he knows me inside and out. He is wise beyond my understanding so I should never underestimate His power and ability.

One of my weaknesses is opening myself up to others. I have developed, through experience, the idea that exposing my innermost feelings makes me a target for hurt and rejection. And I fall prey to that lie often. I don't like to upset or hurt the ones I love, or anyone for that matter. But sometimes doing the right thing does just that. I feel called to share my experiences, and relate them to my Christian life. If this is painful to the reader, then please abstain...

I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I need this space to express my thanks, blessings, questions, and faith. And I pray daily that God will use me in a productive way, the way that He sees fit, to His purpose. I trust that this blog is a part of that job.

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Unexpected Blessings

2009-12-08T20:17:00.000-08:00
This past weekend I went on a much dreaded journey. My husband, and two youngest kids accompanied me. It was a journey of much hesitation and doubt. Because of my families encouragement and strength, this thing is accomplished. It is a part of my personal history. I am relieved. I am a very blessed woman. I make this statement in the most serious of manners. God is good. He is faithful and I am continuously amazed at His grace. Even in my unworthiness, God chooses to make me the recipient of many good things.

I am proud and awed by the lives of my teenagers. They are a testament to the fact that life is a joy, a pleasure, a challenge. Noel has charmed even the most difficult personalities into submission. She can take a bad situation and look for the silver lining. She smiles, and my heart melts. But mostly, she just loves me for the mom that I am to her. And that makes me happy. I value her opinion and benefit from her respect. She has pushed me to rely on God, when I have been tempted to rely on things much less dependable.

And then there is Christian... He always has a smile on! He doesn't talk a lot about his faith, but he lives it. He accepts those around him with kindness and joy. He embraces the strengths of others and chooses to emulate them. He strives to take the high road when the choice really matters. I am proud of him, and know that I can always count on my Christian for a hug and a laugh. Let me just add here that he makes the craziest faces!

I delight in my husband. He has made it very clear to anyone who will listen that it makes no difference how I got here. He loves me, and he knows the great blessing that our children are. He is not afraid to voice his love, even when I sometimes find it embarrassing. He inspires me to greater heights. He is my rock, and I know that I can always count on him for support and encouragement.

This weekend may have been a bit scary. I certainly tried to wiggle out of it a few times. And it does take effort to look through the uncomfortable or awkward to see the awesome! It seems pretty clear that God was giving me a much needed reminder that I am constantly surrounded with His love. The times of my life are what He has planned for me!

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Ch ch ch changes

2009-09-15T21:37:00.000-07:00
I have not been feeling very good lately. Physically, I have been struggling with the consequences of a very strong antibiotic that has left my digestive system lacking in the healthy bacteria that facilitates vigorous digestion. Emotionally, I am just tired and drained. Mentally...well, that has always been questionable! But I am sure that my physical and emotional struggles have left the mental capabilities even weaker than normal!

I have discovered that change is not my forte. This is not a new concept. but it has been reinforced in this last year in a huge way due to events beyond my control. Now there is a big admission... I am NOT in control. God has given me many huge reminders recently.

I am a firm believer in indulging in a short term pity party when life presents you with crappy situations. Then pick yourself up, pray to God for the strength you need, and GET ON WITH IT!!!! With regret, I must admit that I have not felt strong enough to follow my own advice. Consequently, I have been wallowing in the sadness and difficulty of change.

A couple of weeks ago, Michael, my oldest son, deployed for Iraq. It still doesn't seem real though I was there to witness his departure. When I hear his voice through the phone line from Kuwait I can convince myself that he is just a few blocks away, home with his wife, where they are snuggling together on the couch. My husband frequently says that denial can be a wonderful tool, but life will eventually catch up with you! His prediction is correct!

Change has been in the air for about a year now, but this has been the biggest adjustment yet. I need to remind myself that my son and his fellow soldiers volunteered for this duty, and are proud to serve! And I am proud beyond reason of him and his desire to help others. But I still don't have to LIKE this situation! Or do I?

I know that God is trying to teach me something. I know that He is banging on that block head of mine, and poking at my heart, to change the way I am experiencing this situation. But (Surprise! Surprise!) I am proving to be extremely stubborn. I just want to flounder in my sadness for a bit longer Lord...

Fortunately for me, He is not allowing that. Life goes on despite my best efforts to avoid change. My daughter Noel is growing daily in her love of the life that God has given her. Her desire to grow closer to her Creator makes me want to sing. And my son Christian is eating everything in sight and growing like a weed. He has been gifted with a mechanical mind that absolutely amazes me...

My load is lightened by all the blessings that surround me daily. I feel the stress burning off my soul like the sun shining through the fog. I trust that Michael is doing the work that God has planned for him to do. This is not the path I would have chosen for him. But God, in His wisdom, has placed him where he needs to be. I am blessed to watch my daughter growing into a faithful woman. I am excited to see what God has planned for Christian. And Kayla, my daughter-in-law, is a constant source of inspiration for me. Her ability to share her husband with us, his parents, brings tears of joy to my eyes. She is truly the Christian partner I prayed he would marry some day.

I need a forceful reminder to trust the changes that are inevitable. God is the Master Planner. All I need to do is enjoy the ride and accept with Grace what he chooses to send my way...

Joel 2:21
Be not afraid, O land; be glad and rejoice. Surely the LORD has done great things.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

50 Confessions

2009-08-27T20:41:00.000-07:00
A fellow blogger and friend, my daughter in law Kayla, did 50 confessions in her blog. So here are my confessions, pitiful as they may be:

1. I feel inadequate in many areas of my life. Different areas - different days.

2. My hair is grey/white. Totally. Only my stylist knows exactly the natural color content of my naked hair. Very scary thought.

3. I am a Christian. This is the single most important confession I could, and ever will make.

4. I love to write/blog/argue/read the written word. Reading is one of the supreme joys of my life.

5. I can feel myself getting older. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just a fact that is VERY hard to deny.

6. Sometimes I feel like I am the single inhabitant of my very own expression zone, and other people misinterpret me all the time. Maybe I am speaking some distinctly different and unknown type of English. Or maybe this is because I am the mother of teenagers.

7. My life has been full of surprises, tragedies, traumas, and dramatics. I have benefited from each one.

8. I am the biological daughter of Bernard Meacham. This is not the man that I loved, argued with and was expected to call DAD for 45 years of my life. I really don't even know him, and am not sure I have the courage it would take to have an actual relationship with him.

9. I expect honesty from the people whom I love and value. I DETEST dishonesty. I can cope with a multitude of disappointments, but dishonesty is one thing that I do not abide.

10. I have Type II diabetes. While this is a serious medical condition, there is also a serious embarrassment factor that goes along with this territory. This disease seems to scream to innocent onlookers "I am overweight, and not willing to change this fact to save the healthy state of my life". Sorry friends. It ain't that easy.

11. I love a roaring crazy laugh with anyone. Hardy har har har!!! :)

12. Knitting brings me solitude and prayer time.

13. My husband's dog Lucky drives me crazy. He is a great dog...for some other unsuspecting family! I would give him away, to the right person, in one breath. No holds barred. Here is the leash and food and poop bags. Oh, and don't forget to get yourself a very expensive vacuum cleaner too! And maybe a case of Febreeze....

14. Number 13 brings me to this notion: I am cold-hearted. Yep. The truth is finally out. I have very little sympathy for most murky little life tragedies. I have been known, however, to indulge in my own nasty life dramas, and expect others to treat me with care, and even sympathize with my situation. Should I call that selfish??? Life is tough. Wear a helmet.

15. I love my mother and father in law. I have been blessed to marry into the Schommer family and receive the gift of stable, practical in laws who treat me like a daughter. This has been one of the most pleasant surprises and blessings in my adult life!

16. I want to understand the male mind. I don't think this will ever happen.

17. I love my husband with my whole heart and soul. He is a gift from the Lord. He is my lifelong friend and confidant. He has given me my precious children. What more can I say? He is amazing.

18. I am the blessed mother of four. Michael's identical twin brother died at birth. His short time here (most of it in my belly) touched the lives of many people and forever changed my perception of life...I love you Thomas. You are in my heart every day.

19. I dearly loved my mom. She always let me know just how special I was to her. Dementia, secrets, and lies made her into the enemy at the end of her life. Funny thing is, I know that she did the best that she could, and my love for her has changed, but not diminished by one little bit.

20. God has blessed me with the gift of being a great hairstylist! I love my job! I get to make people look and feel better! It doesn't get much better than that! And to top it off, many of my clients are friends and mentors who have had a great impact on my life. God has a plan! That is apparent in my life!

21. I am sick and tired of being a hottie, or hot momma, whichever you prefer. Before you start thinking that I am a very egotistical person, let me add that these tags refer to body heat and sweating. If your furnace ever fails, just give me a call and I will be happy to come on over and share the heat...Ugh! Will this middle aged nastiness ever end?

22. I love to have a margarita, a long island iced tea, or a Bud Lime Light. Two is just about my limit, as my children will quickly point out to you.

23. One of the simple pleasures in life is sheets right off the line!

24. Another simple pleasure....a homemade cappuccino out on the deck on a sunny cool morning. Or a daughter in law that works at Starbucks.

25. I am looking forward to being a grandma. I can't wait to see what God has in store for Baby Schommer, and his parents! I do believe it will be an incredible journey.

26. I am a middle of the night insomniac. I can always fall asleep. Unfortunately it usually only lasts about 3 or 4 hours. Then my brain takes over and I spend about an hour solving world problems in my head, and tossing and turning to beat the band. Another middle aged craziness that will probably be a fact of my life for a while to come.

27. Christian is the kid that can always make me laugh. Always. Even when it is inappropriate for me to laugh. My bad...

28. Noel can outdo me in the organizational realm any day. She is bossy, happy, and self assured. These things will serve her well in life. And she loves me unconditionally.

29. Michael is my kid who is a study in opposites. He can put me to shame in many areas of knowledge, and he can also put me to shame by the amount of mess he can leave around as a personal trail of what he has eaten and worn throughout the day. God bless his unsuspecting and patient wife.

30. I love nothing better than a serious discussion or debate. Sometimes this terrifies potential friends.

31. I adore babies. Little, big, cute, sleeping, crying, giggling, or fussing. They all make my heart happy. I especially enjoy witnessing the embarrassing things that other people's little ones do. This will never fail to make me smile and/or laugh out loud.

32. My cheeks get red at the slightest hint of embarrassment or nervousness. It is very disgusting that people can read me with ease. I would like be able to hide my feelings at times.

33. I pray often for my friends and family who are not Christians. I want them to share the joy of knowing the Truth. I want them to have eternity with Jesus. I now I will be there. I would like them to join me.

37. I can fall to tears at the drop of a hat. This has not always been the case. It seems life experience has taught me how to let go.

38. I do not have an inner beast.

39. My children are my pride and joy.

40. I cannot do 50 confessions. There is nothing left to say. So I will stop here because I find that I want to repeat myself. And then it is no longer a confession, right? I guess I am not the mysterious person I thought myself to be! So maybe the joke is on me....

I just want to finish up with the following Bible verse which was texted to me by friend who knew I was having a difficult day. Her prayers and willingness to share lead me to a kinder and gentler path, and God laid an answer on my heart. If you are in need today, I hope this will help:

I Peter 3:8-12

8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
11He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
12For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

What Do You Believe?

2009-08-21T20:36:00.001-07:00
A pastor friend of mine stated, in a very public forum, that I need to "seriously figure out what I believe". Wow. Those are very stern words, a very direct statement, that deserves an answer. So bear with me as I verbalize on my life beliefs.

First and foremost, I am a Christian, through His grace and His work in me, which is not yet completed. God is daily growing me, and He has plans and purpose for my life.

What does it mean, to me, to be a Christian? I have been chosen by God to be His child. God created me, His only son Jesus redeemed me with His very life on the cross, and the Holy Spirit is the mover and shaker in my life, granting me daily with the gift of faith. I am truly blessed.

I believe that I am a sinner, and that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. Only through Him will I spend eternity in heaven. It is a daily joy to know that I will one day see my Savior's face!

I love to share the Word with anyone who is willing to listen, and I pray that each day I am living a life that tells others that I am striving to please God. I also know that I repeatedly fall short of this goal, but my loving Lord always gives me another chance. I can hope for no greater gift than for Jesus to choose me as His vessel, that He will use me to touch someone's life or give someone His hope. I see God at work in my life in the bad times, good days, and forgettable moments.

I am not special. I am saved. This is the personal story of believers everywhere. God offers this promise to each living person. Our loving Father wants us ALL to abide in his love. He freely offers what money cannot buy - Eternity with Him. I am going to pray on these things tonight, thanks to my friend in Christ who cared enough to ask.

John 14:6
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Galatians 6:14
May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Precious Life

2009-08-18T18:27:00.000-07:00
I have had the unusual pleasure recently of enjoying a 3 month old infant who is basically a stranger! My daughter in law, Kayla, was watching her cousin's son Brayden, and brought him over to our home so I could get a "baby fix"! I played with him, bathed him, changed his diapers, and just truly delighted in the lovely little perfection of his whole being! And believe me, this bouncing baby boy was perfect...perfectly adorable, perfectly content, perfectly formed, and perfectly delightful! There is nothing comparable to the happiness that a new life can bring to my day. He enchanted me, and I fell in love with him!

I can't help but ponder my first grandchild who is, at this very moment, growing and forming in his mother's womb. I see the little baby bump starting to appear, and my mind's eye can already put a face and personality on this child! I am SURE that he (sex unknown, just an easy way to refer to the little one) will be wonderful, superb, amazing and breathtaking! How could it be otherwise, when his parents are some of my favorite people in the world? I know he will have a brilliant future surrounded by so many lovely people who already love him and eagerly anticipate his appearance.

I have a relentless and strong desire to reach out my hand to touch this little one. His momma is very kind about sharing this joy with me, and generously lets me rest my hand on her little baby bump whenever the yearning overcomes my sense of will power! This is my son's first child! Just allowing myself to think those words gives me goose bumps! Tears form behind my eyes as I think of the world that will be his! God created this tiny treasure, knows each hair on his head, and will never forsake the person who he will be! God has a plan for this life scheduled to enter the world in 6 short months. I am overwhelmed with joy that I will soon be a grandma! I am a part of His plan for this new life!

Psalm 16:11

11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Is this Joy?????

2009-08-02T12:23:00.001-07:00
I have come to anticipate hurdles in life...I would guess that I have had more unusual "troubles" than most. In reaction to these events of my past, my heart and soul have been trained to always be on guard, my senses have been honed to expect the unexpected, and my eyes and ears are always on the lookout for anything even mildly remarkable. Somewhere in between all these obligations, I still have to find the time to live...Sound exciting? At times it has been exhilarating! At times my emotions have been pushed to the breaking point. And yet again, there has disappointment and discouragement. I must admit that my talent for sniffing out trouble has sidetracked my anticipation of the good and happy times.

Yesterday my son Michael and his wife Kayla drove home from Fort Riley, Kansas for a seventeen day leave prior to his deployment to Iraq. Excitement? Elation? Anticipation? These words do not even begin to touch on all the emotions that were racing around inside my head! It had been 3 months since they had left. They set out on their journey to Kansas as very young military newlyweds. They were arriving home to Cedar Grove as expectant parents! Both Kayla's family and my family were eagerly awaiting the moment when they would physically step back into our lives...

Let me give you a brief glimpse into that moment from my point of view. I was putting together a pan of lasagna in full expectation of a "welcome home" dinner. I would be the only one home when they arrived. Could this get any better? I would not have to share these first moments of selfish pleasure with anyone. And suddenly they were in my kitchen with hugs, kisses and smiles of happiness! I couldn't get enough of just looking at them, knowing they had made it home safe, and enjoying the visible evidence of the happiness of their love for each other! This is a mom's dream come true!

So we did all the things that newly reunited parents and children have done throughout the ages...We ate home cooked food, and filled the quietness with the chattings of catching up. Happiness! Need I say more?

About an hour later they walked out the door to visit with Kayla's family. Once again I was alone in my quiet home. Suddenly my stomach was twirling and I felt physically ill. I was having a hard time grasping what the problem was...And then the tears started to stream down my face. Honestly, as pitiful as this sounds, I have to admit that I was not prepared for the extra measure of joy that had been poured into my life! My cup WAS overflowing, and my heart did not instantly recognize this sensation! My poor self had been more tuned into the possibility of disaster rather than the anticipation of great joy. An unexpected change of events had caught me by surprise! My careful heart did not know how to react.

I am so blessed! I learned a very beneficial life lesson yesterday. I am going to switch the flow of my "disaster" training and start actively reaching out for the JOY! It is abundant! It is mine! It is all around me! This huge Love is nothing short of a miracle...a gift that God himself had planned for MY life. Just the realization of His grace directed at my life, for me, is overwhelming in an infinte way! God did not grant me this life to just be lived. He wants me to have the full measure of Joy that He long ago planned for my life! My new theme will be to live that joy each and everyday. Even when the hurdles present themselves, I will turn to the Lord to show me His abundant joy.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

John 10:10
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Jesus
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Letting Go...

2009-07-24T17:30:00.000-07:00
There is nothing in this world that brings me quite as much delight as my children! Each one is a miracle to behold, a true gift from God. You might be asking yourself if I could possibly be a bit prejudice? Could be! But, then again, most of you could understand that point of view and probably have some pretty amazing kids of your own! Perhaps ALMOST as amazing as Michael, Noel,and Christian!

Christian is our thirteen year old, the youngest of the bunch. He has lived a very dangerous life in those thirteen short years. He is our accident waiting to happen. He has recently started working at a nearby farm. His duties include feeding the calves, and helping with the milking, both of which tend to be very messy and stinky. The concept of actually being paid for this very cool work is almost ecstatically overwhelming for him, and it shows daily in his enthusiasm and smile! Christian is funny, physical, and loving. He makes me laugh each and every day. I can't wait to witness the man he is becoming.

Noel is our one and only daughter. She is fifteen, and blossoming into an assertive, faithful and confident young woman. She is a singing machine, and her voice makes my breath catch! My relationship with her is full of fun, sarcasm, and static! She is, of course, beautiful. And did I mention that she has awesome hair? She is a bundle of opposites, and watching her sort through these feelings and emotions displays to me just what a strong personality she is. Today she brought me home a treat, and told me "This is just because you are my mom". Nothing could have made me happier.

Michael is 19,our oldest child. His identical twin, Thomas, died at birth. The fact that he survived our parenting is proof positive that God is alive and well! Michael is an assistant chaplain in the U.S. Army. He and his wife Kayla are expecting their first child in February. They are currently stationed at Fort Riley in Kansas, but he will soon be deployed to Iraq. Michael has a faith that teaches me about loving the Lord. He is steadfast, honest, and rebellious. Quite the combination!

So here is my point in sharing all this with you...

My children are growing more independent each day. They have lives of their own, and Bob and I have had many years of opportunity to nurture and teach them about the "things" they will need in life...strong faith, morals, and kindness. After holding on so tightly for so many years, I can feel the tension on the apron strings. Now, I must learn how to start letting go.

The whole idea of one of my children being a soldier is just starting to sink in. In concept, I love the idea of serving our country. I think it is an honorable and brave job to do. But this is not just any kid, it is OUR kid...

So here is the deal. My adult child volunteered for this job. We are proud to bursting with his choice. He is leaving the safety of the USA to attend to others who need our help. This is how we brought him up, and truly a part of his personality. Believe me when I say that there is pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe. I knew this day would come. I just can't believe that it is almost here. And the reality that our other two children will soon pursue dreams of their own, maybe not in Cedar Grove, WI is also becoming quite clear to me. This circle of events has been going on since the beginning of time. I knew when our family first started that these children were just here on loan to us from God. This is the way it is supposed to happen. So why is this so complicated?

Dear Lord, I know that you know my needs before I do. Please, fill this aching heart, and give me the strength to take joy in the "leaving" of my children. Give my heart the fullness it needs to let go. And remind me to lean on You even when the going isn't tough. WE are in your keeping, Lord. I know I will be safe there, as will my children according to your promise. Hold us close dear Lord. And remind me daily that our safety has nothing to do with our situation, and everything to do with your ever watchful care. Amen

Nahum 1:7
The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Not So Much...

2009-07-18T00:43:00.001-07:00
Life can certainly be funny...And then again, sometimes, not so much.

Recent events in my life, and the lives of loved ones, have me contemplating on relationships. Friend to friend, spouse to spouse, parent to child. Time can either nurture and affirm these connections, or erode them to a bare nothingness. Our time here is too important to let even one tragedy break the bonds of any basically loving relationship.

Throughout the years of my marriage, and that would be 23, my husband and I have developed own personal code for marriage. Now, I am perfectly aware that 23 years does not an expert make me. On the other hand, in a society where half of all marriages end in divorce, I know that some of our coping skills have worked wonders. Let me inject here that spousal support and involvement is an enormous part of this personal success.

Our first rule of thumb is to usually use respect when dealing with disagreements. I say usually because I have certainly stooped to some not so wonderful retorts when backed into a corner. I can blatantly tell you that these moments were neither successful or proud... So respect it is. And the funny thing? When I use this "tactic" I usually end up on the receiving end of the very same thing! Amazing! Treat your spouse with respect and love and it comes bouncing right back at you.

And how about a dose of kindness and generosity? There is nothing more freeing then when someone excuses a mistake I have made, and gives me the chance to redeem myself! This kind of trust makes me want to do a better job, not just next time but always. There is nothing that affirms a long term relationship better than being given the room to make mistakes, learn from them, and improve with experience.

Honesty is the best policy. What a cliche! But one thing I cannot abide is deceitfulness. Trust grows when honesty is practiced. There is no single concept that could make a marriage flourish with greater success! Look each other in the eye, hold hands, and experience the delight of honesty!

Lastly, go the extra mile. Do a little something each day that says "I love you"! This can really be a challenge at those times when the road is rough, but that is when it makes a difference. It IS the little blessings in life that can make your day happier! I love nothing better than when my husband pours me a cup of coffee just the way I like it, or takes time out of his busy day off to drive me to work simply because he would like some "alone" time with me. These little gestures make me feel important and lovable, some things that on a daily basis can be pretty hard to come by.

For those of you who know us, I hope you see these things at work in our marriage. We are nothing more or less than sinful mortals, and we do make mistakes. And, yes, we have had terrible, horrible and tragic incidents in our lives together, and you have probably heard us utter a sour word here and there. We have, at times, treated each other with less than loving words and actions. But those things, from experience, do not work for our relationship. When in doubt, be generous, kind, loving, and patient.

Let me just end with this passage from a very reliable source:
Psalm 86:15
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

What awesome words! There is no greater mentor for any of our relationships then Him!
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

I am a Patriot

2009-07-14T17:59:00.000-07:00
I have always considered myself a patriotic citizen. I was brought up to be proud of our country, our flag, and the men and women who volunteer to serve in the military. My dad was a veteran of WWII, and he instilled in me a healthy respect for all things American. I will forever be thankful to Dad for this part of my character. As an adult, that feeling has grown stronger. I am now the proud parent of a soldier, and more fiercely protective of our rights and freedoms than ever before.

So what exactly is patriotism? According to Wikipedia, it is the love and/or devotion for one's country. I would agree with that definition, but would prefer to take it a step or two deeper.

I know it is not fashionable to be a patriot. On that note, I feel that patriotism, at least the type that I celebrate, is not a political concept. For me, it revolves more around the people that live beside me in the daily grind of life. I mean...WE THE PEOPLE.

Why is it so easy to overlook the amazing things that have happened here in America? I can marry the man of my choosing, select the food I would like to eat, buy the clothes whose style fits me best, choose my friends, birth or adopt as many children as my husband and I care to parent, worship my God, own a rifle, and raise my children with the morals and ethics that I value. And that is not even a drop in the bucket.

It seems that we have forgotten what America is all about. It seems that we have let the concept of freedom become a burden instead of a blessing. We argue about hot topics, disagree about politics, and build "fences" to keep out the issues that are disagreeable to us. It seems ancient history to put the words "right" and "responsibility" together.

I find that many times we take our rights for granted, and tend to sweep the responsibility part under the rug. In a perfect world, patriotism would include the responsibility of having a social conscience. Hatred and bitterness would become extinct with the responsible practice of patriotism. Patriotism should be a lifetime dedication to make our world a better, more thriving place. We should cherish and use carefully our right to dissent, and respect the rights of others to do so courteously.

I believe that patriotism is a principle, and ideal, a character trait that has everything to do with loving and caring for people everywhere.

And I am proud and elated to live in a country where I can, and do, choose to live my ideal of patriotism. I am a patriot!
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

The World is All Good

2009-07-06T06:00:00.000-07:00
Do you ever have those days when you wonder where the world is headed? Things just seem downright nasty, and any hope seems to have faded away? The evening news is full of badness and sadness, and you just can't seem to remember that God has a plan for all this?

I am betting you answered yes! Me too!

A few days ago, I got a little insight into what makes this world worthy, good, and happy. Actually there are quite a few everyday things that can make me feel this way too. If I stay away from the world news, I might check up on my own little world and think of all my immediate blessings...my children, my job, my spouse, my health. That list can go on and on. And it should. That is a healthy way to bring Light to each new day. Thoughts of these gifts can definitely open my eyes to the loveliness of life, and give me hope and peace.

But sometimes I just get a blast, an explosion, an actual flash of giddiness. My heart is awakened to the miracle of life. What could possibly cause this reaction, you might ask? Well, in my current world, it is my little nephew Lucas.

I just look at that little 10 month old piece of work, and I get a smile worth a million bucks - from him, for me, from me! He is a bit of joy, a miracle, a gladness in my life. He makes my heart happy. He is all that is right with the world. And he makes my heart flutter.

Lucas is my sister Rena's son. She is also the mother of a 26 year old daughter, and a 23 year old son. And along comes the unthinkable miracle...a healthy baby boy born to rock the world of some sleeping people. Little Lucas Lee. Have I mentioned that he is amazing? I was fortunate enough to witness the miracle of his life making it's entrance into this world.

This little boy has already changed lives. Rena, his mom, has found a new patience and selflessness that is new in her life. This makes me happy. And Lucas' life has refreshed for me the idea that God has plans for all his creation! God does not create gratuitously! Lucas is in this world with a purpose! I can't wait to see what is in store for him and his family...

The world is all good. Lucas is my proof of that. Thank you God.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Life Changes...

2009-06-27T15:08:00.000-07:00
I am going to be a grandma! I can't hardly absorb the context of those words! I am still getting used to the fact that my oldest child is a husband, much less a father! Amazing does not even begin to describe how I feel about this newest life change!

Michael (my oldest son, age 19) married Kayla on April 30, 2009. It was a whirlwind wedding day, planned on a wing and a prayer, during a one week military leave. Yet, it was a beautiful day of love, family, and celebration; a day filled with God's love!

We have had about 8 weeks to become accustomed to this newest life change. It has not been difficult to accept because Kayla is a lovely young lady. After nineteen years of praying for a Christian spouse for Michael (and each of my kids in turn) this prayer was answered in a big way! Kayla is the perfect partner for Michael, and the love between them has been apparent since shortly after they first started dating about 2 years ago.

A few days ago the happy newlyweds phoned to tell us the sweet news...Needless to say, it took my breath away. I am afraid to admit that they did not get the response that they had expected. To be honest, I was just plain overwhelmed...So many questions, and even objections came to my mind.

Now I know that this does not sound like a very loving response. The very first thought that crossed my mind? Michael would very likely be in Iraq when this new little life entered the world. Then there was the other side of that coin - that Kayla would, most likely, be giving birth without her husband by her side. My mind added to this bleak picture the fact of their youth and inexperience...and I actually began to feel a little panicky.

But then something happened. I felt a change taking place deep inside. Instead of common sense, the actual miracle of this new little life occurred to me. God quieted the doubts in my head, and put love and peace in my heart. After all, God knew this little life before it was ever formed...That fact just reassures of the rightness of it all!

I was also reminded that these happy faithful newlyweds would be great, kind, loving parents. Already, this little life that has only just begun, is loved, cherished, and greatly anticipated.

Bob and I are going to be grandparents! Wasn't it just yesterday that my kids were toddling around our lives? And now a grandchild! This is a part of God's plan for our life, and we are feeling very blessed!

*****Palms 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

*****Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future."
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

What the Heck?

2009-06-22T01:04:00.000-07:00
It is 3:00 am in the morning, and obviously I can't sleep. The life that Bob and I share has, like most lives, offered any number of tragedies, traumas and blessings. Sometimes, life just becomes plain overwhelming. And that is why I am at the computer at this crazy hour. My brain is going a hundred miles a minute. I am grinding my teeth, and thinking about my husband's upcoming heart procedure....

Bob is the love of my life. His devotion to me is a constant surprise and comfort. We have been married 23 years. Is this possible? Sometimes it seems like yesterday, and sometimes it seems like forever. Either way, the facts are clear. Our oldest son is married, our daughter is on the verge of driving, and our youngest son is officially a teenager. The unavoidable news? Bob and I have become middle-aged. A blessing or a curse? Well, a little bit of both I would say.

On Wednesday, June 24, 2009 Bob is undergoing a heart "procedure" called an ablation. To make a long story short, his heart has been beating in alternating courses of about 200 beats/minute in short spurts, and then back to normal beats of about 80. This usually leaves him tired and sore, and needless to say, scared. Today was the first time I actually ever witnessed this happening, and I can't get it out of my mind. It has made this thing real. And I am not so sure that I was ready to face up to reality. Oh well! I have found that God doles out those doses in perfect measure, so His wisdom says that reality is what I needed, ready or not...

The ablation will destroy the short circuit that Bob's heart has created. Now obviously, this is a simple version of the actual process, from a medically challenged hairstylist. But in any case, as my hubby says, they can call it a "procedure", but it is MY HEART!

Any event like this in my life forces me to see things more clearly. I can't help but ponder the sad and lonely place my life would be without my Bob. Who would I argue with, who would ground me, who would pray for me, who would remind me of my many blessings? He is my best friend, my strength, my sunshine, sometimes my pain in the ass, and a large part of the reason that I get up every morning and broach the day with joy!

I feel pretty confident that everything will go as planned with this procedure. He will be in the best care, with docs that he knows and works with, and they will treat him like the special guy that he is. This knowledge is a comfort.

But if you are reading this I would just ask you to say a quick prayer for God's Grace in our lives this next week. I know that with His special attention, we will be back on the road to "normal" in no time at all...

What the heck, did I really say normal?????? Hmmmm...I'm not even sure that I know what that means....
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Playing in the Dirt

2009-06-16T13:39:00.000-07:00
So....It is a beautiful day here in Cedar Grove, WI. About 70 degrees, and just a bit of sunshine. There is no better weather to work in my flower gardens.I love to play in the dirt! It just makes me feel good. I love the smell, feel, and look of good rich soil. But mostly I love the nurturing of plants. My garden makes me feel successful!

To be honest, I can't really brag about the beauty of my yard. In fact, sometimes it just looks like a random junk yard due to the large amounts of debris that my youngest son, Christian, leaves laying around...a collection of bikes, tools, and other haphazard clutter. These things look like garbage to me, but to him they are important items. So I respect his mess, because that is just they way I feel about my flowers!

I just got finished an enjoyable workout in the yard. I pulled weeds, cut back shrubs, moved some perennials, and basically neatened things up. My muscles ache, my face is sunburnt, and I am parched. Mostly, though, I am smiling! I am the master of my little gardens, the mover and shaker, the one who makes all the decisions. So when I stumble upon a gardening success, it makes my day! When one of my plants grows, flourishes, and then blooms into astounding beauty it feels like a personal victory!

I am so blessed that God has put me in charge of this little piece of earth I call my yard!
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Learning About Love

2009-06-14T18:10:00.000-07:00
I am 47. I remember a time when that sounded old. For the most part I don't feel old. But sometimes I just feel worn out, tired from the trials of the world that surrounds me. And it is then that I feel the need for refreshment. Not a drink, or a shopping spree, but being refreshed with love. God's endless unconditional love for me. Without that omnipotent love, life would not be worth living.

I have definitely been feeling empty lately. Life has offered so many changes, traumas, and excitement that my heart has not been able to keep up with my head. Sometimes I let these life adjustments wring me dry. You would think I would know better by now, but to no avail. I still let myself run on empty.

And then I find myself with a friend, at a book discussion, or at work and someone lovingly calls this lack to my attention. Today it was the pastor's message that caught my attention. It was all about love; God's endless supply of love for his people, and how that Amazing love fills us up so we can love others. But here is the catch...
Worldly love is selfish. We love people and things because we need them. Our Heavenly Father teaches us to love people how they need to be loved.

Now really! Does it get any better than that? Why have I been feeling empty? Because my love has become selfish. This is a choice. The everyday junk got in my heart instead of the Miraculous love that should have been there. How did the pastor know that I needed to hear this message today? This is significant for me, life changing. It is a way that I have never thought about love. I can give away all the love in my heart, give that love to others the way that they need to be loved,and my faithful Lord will constantly keep me refreshed and able, if only I come back to Him for refills.

And that, my friends, is incredible!
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

Inspiration!

2009-06-13T19:17:00.000-07:00
Wow! I started out with good intentions to give a routine word workout to my everyday life...I guess I got sidetracked. Wait! I KNOW I got sidetracked. But today I bumped into some unexpected inspiration. Let me fill you in.

Early this afternoon, in the rush of a busy Saturday, I ran into a friend, Joanie, who I hadn't seen in quite a while. Our oldest sons, (Michael-mine, Brandon-hers), attended all their years of school together, were both on prom court, and graduated in the same class. Actually, they even went to preschool together as 4 years olds. Where did all those years go? Needless to say, we have had many an opportunity to chat at different activities throughout the years.

Joanie is one of my surprise inspirations. Brandon is a cancer survivor at the age of 19. It has been a long road for him and his family, and the effects of treatment will be lifelong. He is well, attending college, a contributing member of society, and well loved by his parents!

Joanie is one strong woman. She is positive, faithful, and to all appearances, happy. I never see her without a smile on her face. It is a privilege to know her and chat with her. I am constantly amazed that a woman who has been challenged time and time again just never seems to wear out. Today we compared notes on our sons. Their paths could not have been much different. But they have both had successes and challenges in their lives. Listening to Joanie talk about Brandon really made me see how she has chosen to view their battle against cancer as a blessing. I kid you not. She and her husband Len have risen to the occasion with valor. They have given their son all the tools he needs to be successful in life, no matter what crosses his path. And mostly, they have given him unconditional love. Better yet? He is aware of this blessing! I can see that Joanie has played an important role in Brandon's attitude with this illness encounter, and surely many other life tests. She has inspired me by her joy, courage, and eagerness to find the good in others. I am challenging myself to rise to her example, daily count my blessings, and frequently look for the good in those around me.

Next on my list is my daughter in law, Kayla. She resurrected her blog a few days ago, and it is amazing! I love her ability to express herself with the written word! Today she wrote a few thoughts about her recent wedding to Michael, the son I mentioned above. Her feelings about this joyful day came shining through into my life like a gift! "God's fingerprints" were all over her writing. I am happy that she is my daughter, but mostly I am happy that my son has such a wonderful, talented wife who will, God permitting, be a blessing to him for many years to come. So Kayla was a double inspiration. She passed along a spark to breathe new life into my blog. She also blessed me today with all the raw emotion in her writing, and with that I have also challenged myself to purpopsely be a blessing daily to someone.

So today is a fresh start. I think I can do this! Thank you Joanie and Kayla!
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!

The Last Days

2008-11-19T15:05:00.000-08:00
Today my sister and I put our Mom on hospice care. It is amazing to actually confirm this action by writing about it. I guess that this is the beginning of the end. And it makes her death more certain, more real. I never thought that this is how it would feel. Maybe, the thing is, I was just trying not to think about it at all. A nice big serving of denial, anyone?

My mom is 86. Is that old? Is that the right time to die? Is any time ever "the right time" in our own minds? When did old happen to her? When will it happen to me? Will it sneak up like a thief in the night, and just snatch me? Or will it travel slowly, creeping stealthily to take away whatever youth I still possess? This hospice decision, crazily enough, makes my own death more imminent, more real, more in my face. My mom will die some day soon, and I am a part of her. This has become more and more apparent with age.

My mom has had a difficult and, according to her, unhappy life. This concept, this unhappiness, was, to a large degree, hidden away from my ever trusting eyes until shortly after my father passed away. Much of the difficulty is of her own making, and the result of shocking choices. (I will write about this at a later date.) However, I find that at this moment there is very little blame or resentment in my heart. What is really written all over my heart is her love for me, and also my younger sister, Rena. Mom's adoration for us was born of an illicit affair that was practiced for 6 long years, and devastatingly put in the closet to stay hidden there, darkly taunting and furtively chasing Rena and I as two unsuspecting children. This mother love was stated, out loud, in the most embarrassing of places, at the most indecent of times, in front of the most unsuspecting people, especially over the last few years when dementia played a role in almost every aspect of her life. And hardest of all, it was and is a favoritism kind of love that was voiced, loud and clear, in front of our older siblings.

My mother's impending death is uncomfortable. Does that sound understated? I see her feeling peaceful about this decision to stop taking her medications. I see her peaceful about meeting her Maker. I see her peaceful about going to be with my dad, her husband. She is okay with her own death. She is ready to go to her heavenly home. She has said this to me.

I am not peaceful about many factors of this difficult situation. I am worried about my older brother and sister being a part of this process, because there is an unsettling lack of trust and friendship between them and myself. I haven't walked a mile in their shoes, but I can say that neither of them are people I admire, or would emulate. And while they have all but lost contact with Mom, I suppose they may come to her during these last days, and that they will come to her memorial service. My heart is beating erratically just thinking about this event. This is about so much more than losing my mom.

I will write more later...This has me pretty wrung out.
I am so pleased that you have taken the time to read my blog! I would encourage you to leave a comment!